I have so much to write about and so little time. From the time I wake up in the morning, which isn’t late by any means, to the time I go to bed, which is when I can’t stay awake any longer, I’m constantly busy, constantly running around. Between a full time job, an adolescent puppy, a nascent business and few yoga classes a week, some days I feel like I’ve spread myself too thin. But through all this madness, the one thing that has remained unchanged is the thought at the start and end of each day. There is a moment of pause, when everything comes to a stop – to think about someone – and then life goes back to the way it was.
On certain days when I look at my blue bird I feel like it is a messenger from the Universe, bringing me somebody’s love from another world. Of course, it’s just empty consolations but sometimes the timing is rather opportune.
I woke up one morning last week with the same thought as everyday. It’s not really a thought though. There is no concrete form to it. I cannot narrate in words what flashes through my mind. It is more like a nod to a memory, a gentle whisper carrying a name I don’t get to say out loud anymore. But as I proceeded with the day, I thought to myself, “I think I may be ready to move on. The thought doesn’t seem as powerful now, it doesn’t move me the way it did before“. I took the puppy to the park and I wasn’t really looking for my blue bird as I normally do. I didn’t feel the need for the magic that morning. Then suddenly the bird flew across right in front of me, as if trying to get my attention. I continued with my walk. It flew again, and again I didn’t turn to follow the trajectory of its flight with my eyes. The next time, it went around me in a semi-circle, screaming at the top of its voice and I couldn’t help but stop and stare at it. It was as if it could feel that something wasn’t right and it wanted to make sure the charm doesn’t fade.
It almost made me chuckle because this someone was like that too in a way. He couldn’t handle someone losing interest in him, not me anyway. If he ever thought I was drifting away, he would always try to reel me back in. One can argue it was vicious given the nature of our relationship but I always found it rather cute and innocent, like a child, like my puppy now. I looked at the bird with the same excitement as before and once again, I was mesmerized.
Later that day at work, I walked up to the window by my desk to take a little break. I have sat in that same spot for over a year now and have seen that same view countless number of times. But something was different that day. Right in front of me, in the big tree outside, was a bright blue bird! I understand it wasn’t the bird from my neighborhood that followed me there but a different bird of the same species, but it was a blue bird nonetheless, and I was pleasantly shocked to see it there. I kept looking at it and it sat in the tree the whole time I was by the window. I returned to my desk eventually, and when I turned around to see if the bird was still there, it had gone.
The rest of the week went by as usual. Sometimes I saw the bird, other times I didn’t but I always knew it was there. Then this morning came. I was in the park as every other morning. The bird was nowhere to be seen. I sat in a swing slowly swaying and thought, “What if by some stroke of sheer miracle he appeared in front of me right this minute?“. I waited for the idea to sink in and for my brain to respond. Nothing. Once again, I thought that it’s time to move on. I went home, got ready and left for work. As I was driving, it started to rain. This is the first rain of the season I’ve witnessed. My consciousness hadn’t even processed it but huge tears started rolling out of my eyes and down my face. He told me once when he was going away that if it ever rained I should think of it as him trying to hug me.
I know all of it sounds cheesy and exaggerated. Cheesy it may be but exaggerated it’s not. This is exactly how it happened. Lately I have been thinking and reading a lot about the whole point of living, about the universe and all the invisible stuff that it’s made of, about a lot of ‘why’s, including coincidences like these. I will write about it just as soon as I have enough time because I have so many thoughts that need to come out so that I can sort through them, organize them and make sense out of them. Maybe this weekend will afford me the opportunity.
In the meantime, I guess when it’s actually time to move on I will not find these silly signs everywhere, and the rain will not make me cry.