Life is funny sometimes. Something makes you so happy that it makes you sad.
I got off a potentially life-changing call yesterday and all I wanted to do was jump up and down with excitement. Instead, I ended up falling in my chair, wailing in pain, because the one person whom I want to share the news with, the one person who would’ve truly understood what it meant to me, the one person who would’ve been equally if not more excited, is no longer there. I may share it with family at some later time, maybe with a couple of close friends too. But I already know that all I’ll get from them will a pat on the back, an atta girl, and then we’ll go back to talking about other things. Everyone’s pleased that I’m doing well with my small enterprise but no one really thinks it means much more than that – a small enterprise. There was only one person who saw the endless potential in what I’m doing, only one person who encouraged me to dream bigger, one person who set his eyes way higher than I even dared.
I am making small, humble progress in what I’m doing and I’m eager to see all the distance I would’ve covered by the time I reach my 1st anniversary. But all of it seems incomplete without one person. I am happy and excited, and I’m keeping my nose to the grindstone but I’m also silently carrying a cross on my back. I wasn’t surprised that I broke out like that yesterday. There are so many times when suddenly, out of nowhere, my eyes well up. But I always push the sad thoughts aside and focus on what’s in front of me. All this while I kept telling myself that there was no point crying, all while trying to convince myself that if I ignored these thoughts long enough they would go away. Then yesterday everything came charging back at me with all its might.
I haven’t cried like that in a very, very long time. Initially, I had allowed myself what I considered an appropriate period of mourning but once beyond that, I decided to firm up and kept pushing aside all sad thoughts. It is unlike me to repress feelings but lately I’m discovering that as much as I like to think that I treat all feelings equally, I actually don’t.
I still have my fair share of doubts about the universal energy fields and chakra healing but I also have an open mind and I welcome any new information with optimism – without judgment or bias. Recently, I came across the symptoms of a blocked throat chakra and it was almost like a moment of epiphany! All the colds that I was constantly coming down with were allegedly the manifestation of imbalance in my throat chakra, which in turn is caused by holding back feelings and thoughts. As I reflected more on this newfound piece of information, I noticed that while I acknowledged being irascible lately I never quite did anything to fix it.
I was holding back a lot of pain, which made me impatient. This lack of patience caused reduced tolerance for things that didn’t quite suit me. But I don’t like to get angry, so every time something irritated me, I would hold back that anger too. It’s good to acknowledge emotions and find the right way to channel them but in my case I was just stowing everything away. Exercising is a great way to channelize negative emotions but with my manic schedule, workouts were few and far between. All said and done, unintentionally, I had repressed so many emotions that my cup was finally full and overflowing.
So this time I allowed myself to feel the pain and embrace the agony instead of denying it. I allowed myself to mourn my loss for as long as I wanted to, for as long as I could. I cried until my body was tired of convulsing, until my head felt like it was going to explode, until my eyes could no longer stay open. I cried my heart out and eventually fell asleep. Did I feel any better when I woke up? Had the pain gone away since I acknowledged it? I don’t know. All I know is that the next time I feel sadness coming, I’ll have to find a way to let it flow in a constructive way. Ignoring it and pushing it aside will only make it more powerful.
I am a student of the world and I love observing human behavior. Sometimes I observe others, other times I observe myself. Posts like these are purely objective and analytical, not campaigns to garner sympathy. My life is no more difficult or simple than anyone else’s. We’re all carrying our respective crosses. I’m just trying to find ways to make the journey easier!