Something inside me feels compelled to come out today. There is a sort of restlessness about this day that I can’t seem to understand. On such days I find writing to be the best therapy. It’s like having a conversation with myself, trying to understand what all the fuss is about.
I find it ironic that exactly two years ago, on this very day, I started a new chapter of life. This chapter has been, by far, the most enriching phase of my life, and the most eventful one too. I’m not going to spend any time looking back, it’s not like me. I’m quite good at moving on actually! I like to look ahead. Two years later, I’m once again standing at crossroads of life about to start something new. Maybe that is the source of my restlessness, this new beginning.
Fear. That’s probably it. I’m at a cusp and the anticipation is getting to me. It’s like that moment on a roller coaster ride when the ascent is over and you can see the fall ahead. I know it’s going to be fun, I’m looking forward to it but all sorts of chemicals are firing in my brain and making me nervous. I want a hand to hold on to but I look around and I see no one. I seeks friends to drown out this feeling but the moment everyone is gone and I’m left alone it comes back. So what’s the solution?
I already know the answer actually. It came to me during my meditation last evening. The voice inside me said that I must finally come clean with my father about my hopes and dreams. It will not be an easy conversation but it’s a conversation that needs to be had. I’ve been hanging out here at the top for far too long. I need to face this fall so the fun can actually begin.
Does this knowledge make me feel any better right now? No, it doesn’t. The anxiety, anticipation, restlessness, it’s all still there. I only know what to do about it eventually, not right now. Right now I t’s natural to seek safety and comfort but I know all too well that in the end we must all walk our path alone. This desire for comfort once again takes me back to two years ago, to that evening when I last saw my playboy (haven’t thought about him in a long time). His embrace used to be my safe place back then. A part of me wants that place again, not him just the place, to prepare myself. But I’m a different person now and I can find that place in my own heart, I just have to dig deep. That is what I can do right now.
Now that makes me feel better…