I’m learning… There are two very contradicting sides to me… I like feeling like a stranger and I like being surrounded by friends. I like being alone and I like having someone to love and hold. Does that make me strange? Perhaps. But it’s what makes me me.
I love to travel. I want to see the world and gather as many experiences as I can, while I can. But I also long for a home. I used to have a home, then I didn’t. Then I went back to the home I grew up in, and then I had to leave again. It was heartbreaking. Until a week ago I thought I was sinking into depression again. I meditated to snap out of it. It made me calm and serene but that gnawing feeling of sinking didn’t go. Standing in the balcony of my hotel room, I’d think to myself, “I’m happy, my soul is happy, then what is this restlessness I feel!”. Now I see that I was just stuck in between my two sides.
The newness of everything around me hadn’t started to register yet. I wasn’t really missing anything or anyone… that’s another thing that makes me strange – I don’t miss much – but that’s for another time. I thought about my parents, my pets, my friends, but only in a fond sort of way; not in a desperate yearning way. What I was feeling, in fact, was an urgency to start feeling like a stranger in a new place. But ironically, I needed a home first.
Now I have one, and so I can go out and feel like a stranger in a new place all day long but at the end of the day I am home. I meet people at work who have taken place of friends. And then I am alone again. I can sit in a crowded restaurant and enjoy a meal by myself, that’s my jam. But somehow the idea of coming back to a hotel room isn’t my thing. Strange, right? I guess I’m the sort of person Airbnb’s “don’t go there, live there” campaign is designed for! I’m sure there are others like me. And I wonder if they realize this about themselves. How did they find out? How did it make them feel?
I had no idea just how much the idea of a home means to me. And this isn’t a real home by any means, and definitely not my forever home. But it still satiates my deep rooted desire to belong. But then I don’t truly belong, I like to remain detached. I don’t know if this detachment is a subconscious defense mechanism to safeguard myself against likely pain, or true wisdom that leads to a higher state of existence that is beyond worldly concerns. I guess I will find out in due course of time. After all, there’s so much about myself I learn each day. So many strange things!
Cheers
February 27, 2018 at 5:27 pm
Since we already did a bit of catching up, I’ll not repeat all that but this was wonderful to read. Wonderful to read how you fought back when you saw yourself maybe going down a dark road. I fear too much change at once, and as an introvert it is not always easy for me to meet new people. I do…but it has to be on my own terms. But I totally get these feelings you describe here. I’m so happy that things are on the upswing for you again, and I won’t lie…I’m happy to have you here writing again. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. The friendships I have made here on WP are some of the best I have ever had in my entire life. Keep going.
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February 28, 2018 at 5:20 am
Thank you Robert! WP has given me a new life in a lot of ways, and the friendship we share is an integral part of it 😊 I’m happy with the way things are going, so let’s hope the trend continues!
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February 28, 2018 at 11:39 am
Definitely! I hope so too 😄
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February 27, 2018 at 7:58 pm
I can relate so much to what you discuss in this post. I often feel detached no matter much I try. This is a beautifully written piece, I look forward to looking at what else you offer in your blog.
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February 28, 2018 at 5:18 am
Thank you James!
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