The process of writing works in two ways for me. Either I have a restless mind, and I need to write to sort through my thoughts and make sense of them. Or I get engaged in conversations, or have experiences or encounters, that make me think and then I feel the need to document these thoughts, in case they might resonate with someone else. Few of my recent posts have been of the former kind – attempts to ease a restless mind. This post today has been a work-in-progress in my mind since last Sunday.
Last Sunday I was talking to a friend who has been dealing with marital issues for number of years now. During the conversation, this friend said something that stuck with me. My friend said, “two years ago I felt like I had wasted so many years of my life trying to make things work. Today, I feel like I have wasted so many plus two years of my life. If I don’t gather the strength to walk away now, 5/10/15 years later I would simply look back and say, I wasted so many plus 5/10/15 years of my life. And for what? For other people”.
It was a very profound speech. It made me think about how hypocritical, perhaps even sadistic, we are as a society. When it comes to material things we are vying for self-fulfillment. I want a high-paying job, I want a big house, I want the most expensive car my money can buy. We amass wealth but don’t care to help someone in genuine need. We put ourselves and our desires first. But when it comes to things that truly matter, like something as simple as happiness, we preach self-sacrifice. “Compromise” is one word I despise more than anything else, and the statement “every relationship involves compromise” is the biggest lie that has been handed down generation after generation.
The way I see it, a healthy relationship does not make you feel like you’re making a compromise. To the outside world it may appear so but you don’t see it that way. If you do something that you wouldn’t otherwise, simply to make the other person happy, and their happiness makes you happy, you don’t think of it as a compromise. It is how good relationships function. There is a healthy amount of give-and-take because no two people are the same. And people derive happiness from each other’s happiness. On the contrary, it is a compromise when the other person’s happiness does not make you happy. You do things out of a sense of duty or obligation, and that is when you console yourself with the banality of “every relationship involves compromise”. My opinion on this has always been very clear – the day you start feeling like you’re making a compromise, the end is not too far.
And yet people choose to keep making compromises, and keep sacrificing themselves, like my friend, simply for the sake of other people. “How will the other person feel”, “what will my family say”, “how will I face the world” – are some of the common questions people ask themselves but never once do they ask, “do I deserve to be unhappy for the rest of my life?”. We are programmed to feel like wanting happiness for ourselves, real happiness and not the material kind, is somehow wrong, somehow selfish. It saddens me to see just how many people go through life without ever realizing that they have a right to be happy.
Some people think I’m not a romantic because of my views when it comes to relationships. In my opinion, I am a hardcore romantic and that is the reason why I have these views. I will not settle for anything less than love, and I will not sacrifice myself for other people. I have been in love several times. There was a boyfriend of 5 years, a playboy, and recently, a lost love. But I was a different person each time because people are always changing and growing. I could’ve been happy with any one of them, back then. I am not the same person today. So I will wait for the right person to show up. And when it is a love that’s meant to last, we will change and grow together, without making compromises.
So there are those who compromise, and those who don’t. But there’s also a third category of people, and the truly blessed ones I suppose if you believe ignorance is bliss. These are the people who are just too scared to be alone. They have never spent time with themselves and/or have no desire to do so. Although alone and lonely are two very different things, to this group of people they are more or less the same. Not having someone to hold and love makes them sad, hence being alone makes them lonely. They can lose themselves just to keep the other person from going away and leaving them behind. So compromise becomes a moot point because everything they do is to ensure that they don’t end up lonely. I was talking to someone else during the week who more or less falls in this group. He is going to be taking a trip soon but he did not sound excited about having to do it alone. So I suggested signing up for a guided tour where he could be part of a group. He responded saying that if the group is full of couples it will simply make him feel worse. The funny thing is that even right now, he is in love with two people as far as I can tell. But I can’t say if he’ll miss one or the other, or both, in such a situation. He’s the kind of person who loves holding hands while walking. On a date, he would sit next to the girl instead of across from her. But in all of this, it doesn’t matter who the girl is, as long as he has someone to love. He would still hold hands, still snuggle up beside her, and still love her the same way. Compromise, then, is non-existent in his world because happiness simply means being with someone, anyone.
Ultimately, it all comes down to one simple truth – we all deserve to be happy. We may have different ideas of happiness but it’s our right to seek that which makes us happy, and hold on to it should we find it!
February 3, 2019 at 3:37 am
Well articulated post.. intricate analysis of human psyche which is seldom discussed or understood…only a person who can contemplate his/her life from a third person perspective can truly understand what you mean..kudos..keep writing…
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February 3, 2019 at 6:29 am
Madhu!! Thank you ☺️🥰
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February 7, 2019 at 2:21 pm
Not sure how I missed this excellent post. You touched on a lot of my own thoughts right now as I work through the divorce. The feelings come hard and fast- “why me?, why now? why didn’t we do this sooner?, when did we both start feeling unhappy?” All of those thoughts rolled into one. Coupled with hitting 50 last year leaves me with a lot of questions. As I wrote once last year-I don’t have the answers yet, but I have a lot of questions, which is a good thing. So those answers to the questions I ask myself are not so readily coming…but that’s okay. When the answers do come I know them to be more meaningful because of where I am in my life. I say this because I like what you say about sacrifices and compromises. It is so true what you wrote. We constantly fight these internal battles but at some point you do have to stop and say-Why? What good does it do. That is an awakening thought to me. So thank you for this excellent and thoughtful post!
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February 8, 2019 at 6:26 am
I have been somewhat “regular” over here lately so it’s easy to miss a post 😀 And thank you for your comment; it means a lot to me that you always take time to share your thoughts, and that it is always personal.
I know what you mean about asking yourself those tough questions and not having the answers. But sometimes answers are not important. What matters is that we ask ourselves the right questions because that is how we really connect with ourselves. Once we find the courage to ask, the answer is almost immaterial because it shows that we are ready to leave the past behind and not repeat those same mistakes in our future.
I must sound like a broken record but I am so proud of you! Everything you have done, you are doing, requires so much courage, and you have been not only brave but so optimistic and enthusiastic in embracing the change that you are truly an inspiration 🙂
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February 8, 2019 at 4:58 pm
I so agree that sometimes the answers in and of themselves are not so important. I go back to the great thinkers…they did not refer to it as questions and answers but as ‘seeking’. Which leaves it a little more open ended by nature. There are no quick fixes or solutions sometimes. But there are adjustments and corrections along with that seeking. And then as you say we are ready to leave the past behind. No no…you are far from a broken record. What you said means a lot to me though I’m really not trying to be an inspiration of any sorts! I’m just being. I must sound like a broken record in that the prism I view everything through now is ‘personal’. Which is I suppose inevitable based on where I am now, but I’m embracing and feeling stronger by the day in little ways. I always go back to the phrase Little Victories, which came from a song by Bob Seger. He said in an interview that it came from a bad time and breakup. Get up in the morning, that’s a little victory. Make coffee without crying, that’s a little victory. String them together and you are conquering. It all starts small, and starts with those questions. Thank you my wonderful friend
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February 9, 2019 at 5:29 am
Beautiful, beautiful words! About seeking, and about small victories. It is all so true. And the thing about being an inspiration – it is by being one’s true self that one inspires, not by giving motivational speeches. Like you say, “I am being”, that is not always easy. What’s easy is to hide behind masks and facades. So thank you for simply being 😀
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