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30 and Learning…

The journey continues

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Another Tuesday in the books, another week come and gone. Tuesdays are the new Mondays for me because they bring on the blues. It was a Tuesday when I saw someone for the last time. Now every Tuesday I wake up with a number in my head – the number of weeks since that fateful day. Someday it’ll change. Someday I’ll lose track of the count. There are 52 weeks in a year, and who knows how many years of my life ahead of me. I doubt I can keep track of the weeks. Weeks will turn into months, months into years. And ultimately it would just be an entire lifetime.

And it’s pointless to keep count anyway. It’s not that after so many weeks or months or years the wait will be over – it’s not a countdown. The weight of all the “never”s will not change. Never see, never touch, never feel, never kiss, never hold… regardless of the count, all of it will remain “never”. 

Grieving is not a linear process. You don’t always start with denial. You don’t always end up at acceptance and stay there. You keep going back and forth. I have reached acceptance but on certain days I have to work hard to hold on to it. It’s not that I get reminded of something. I don’t need reminders, he is always front and center in mind. His toothbrush, his razor, the change he emptied from his pockets – everything is where he left them. These things are not reminders, they make me smile. But on certain days I just want to tell him something and watch him laugh. That is when the weight of all those “never”s comes crashing down on me and I must muster all my strength to hold on to the acceptance with my dear life.

This is not intended to be a sad post. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I have always said that I am too vain to ever expose my weaknesses – they aren’t flattering. So this is not me crying and asking for sympathy. This is not some sort of outburst of emotion. This is not an act of impulse. This is just a reflection, an objective look at the process of coping with a loss. I acknowledge all feelings and emotions the same way. This is an acknowledgement that I do have moments of weakness. I also handle all feelings and emotions the same way. So I let myself feel weak just as I let myself feel happy; and if I’m not always happy, I’m not always weak either. Acceptance, in a way, is only a matter of finding the balance between the two. The day there is no weakness left is the day you have finally moved on.

From 30 and Learning Vlog

After a really long break, I’m finally getting back at it!!

From 30 and Learning Vlog

From 30 and Learning Vlog

My experiment with a healthy alternative for the holidays, and a three-week round up on carb cycling and what fat loss looks like!

 

From 30 and Learning Vlog

From 30 and Learning Vlog

The first steps down a new road…

It has been over a year since I turned 30 and since I started writing my blog. In this year, true to the title, I have learned volumes; about myself, about the world around me, and about my place in it. I was distraught at the thought of losing control over my life and to watch myself getting steered into a direction that was as far from my intended path as could be.

But as I embark on this leg of my journey, I am a new person. I have learned to stop offering resistance to life and let it take me wherever it wants to. So far, although there has been much loss, I have still somehow gained more- everything lesser but better. I have also learned that in order to give up control one must have faith, not necessarily in a higher being, but in oneself. Faith that tells you that no matter what tomorrow brings, you have the strength to embrace it and make the most of it. And faith that pushes you to be a better version of yourself each day than the day before.

In its new avatar, this blog is all about strength- of mind, body and of character. My transformation started when I discovered the power of meditation. Strength comes from inside, and a strong mind is the foundation for everything else. With a strong mind, I want to transform my exterior, to see what is the best I can be if I apply myself to it. And lastly, to have a strong character; to never compromise on or feel ashamed for what I believe in. No doubts exist in a strong mind.

To those who have supported me all this while I offer my most sincere gratitude and hope to have them by my side yet again. And to those who are now going to join me on this journey of self discovery and transformation, I say, “Welcome!“.

Love,

Pat

Link to my original site: https://30andlearningblog.wordpress.com/

 

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