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Blue Bird

I have so much to write about and so little time. From the time I wake up in the morning, which isn’t late by any means, to the time I go to bed, which is when I can’t stay awake any longer, I’m constantly busy, constantly running around. Between a full time job, an adolescent puppy, a nascent business and few yoga classes a week, some days I feel like I’ve spread myself too thin. But through all this madness, the one thing that has remained unchanged is the thought at the start and end of each day. There is a moment of pause, when everything comes to a stop – to think about someone – and then life goes back to the way it was.

On certain days when I look at my blue bird I feel like it is a messenger from the Universe, bringing me somebody’s love from another world. Of course, it’s just empty consolations but sometimes the timing is rather opportune.

I woke up one morning last week with the same thought as everyday. It’s not really a thought though. There is no concrete form to it. I cannot narrate in words what flashes through my mind. It is more like a nod to a memory, a gentle whisper carrying a name I don’t get to say out loud anymore. But as I proceeded with the day, I thought to myself, “I think I may be ready to move on. The thought doesn’t seem as powerful now, it doesn’t move me the way it did before“. I took the puppy to the park and I wasn’t really looking for my blue bird as I normally do. I didn’t feel the need for the magic that morning. Then suddenly the bird flew across right in front of me, as if trying to get my attention. I continued with my walk. It flew again, and again I didn’t turn to follow the trajectory of its flight with my eyes. The next time, it went around me in a semi-circle, screaming at the top of its voice and I couldn’t help but stop and stare at it. It was as if it could feel that something wasn’t right and it wanted to make sure the charm doesn’t fade.

It almost made me chuckle because this someone was like that too in a way. He couldn’t handle someone losing interest in him, not me anyway. If he ever thought I was drifting away, he would always try to reel me back in. One can argue it was vicious given the nature of our relationship but I always found it rather cute and innocent, like a child, like my puppy now. I looked at the bird with the same excitement as before and once again, I was mesmerized.

Later that day at work, I walked up to the window by my desk to take a little break. I have sat in that same spot for over a year now and have seen that same view countless number of times. But something was different that day. Right in front of me, in the big tree outside, was a bright blue bird! I understand it wasn’t the bird from my neighborhood that followed me there but a different bird of the same species, but it was a blue bird nonetheless, and I was pleasantly shocked to see it there. I kept looking at it and it sat in the tree the whole time I was by the window. I returned to my desk eventually, and when I turned around to see if the bird was still there, it had gone.

The rest of the week went by as usual. Sometimes I saw the bird, other times I didn’t but I always knew it was there. Then this morning came. I was in the park as every other morning. The bird was nowhere to be seen. I sat in a swing slowly swaying and thought, “What if by some stroke of sheer miracle he appeared in front of me right this minute?“. I waited for the idea to sink in and for my brain to respond. Nothing. Once again, I thought that it’s time to move on. I went home, got ready and left for work. As I was driving, it started to rain. This is the first rain of the season I’ve witnessed. My consciousness hadn’t even processed it but huge tears started rolling out of my eyes and down my face. He told me once when he was going away that if it ever rained I should think of it as him trying to hug me.

I know all of it sounds cheesy and exaggerated. Cheesy it may be but exaggerated it’s not. This is exactly how it happened. Lately I have been thinking and reading a lot about the whole point of living, about the universe and all the invisible stuff that it’s made of, about a lot of ‘why’s, including coincidences like these. I will write about it just as soon as I have enough time because I have so many thoughts that need to come out so that I can sort through them, organize them and make sense out of them. Maybe this weekend will afford me the opportunity.

In the meantime, I guess when it’s actually time to move on I will not find these silly signs everywhere, and the rain will not make me cry.

Shorts

Broken

There was a beautiful butterfly on the ground. Someone was busy taking pictures. I went up to it and realized it had broken wings and couldn’t fly. I held out my hand, and reluctantly it climbed onto my finger. I left it in the corner of a nearby flowerbed, hoping it won’t get trampled on.

Beautiful creature but it’s only when you look closely you see that it’s broken.

Magic

Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” – Roald Dahl

There is a brilliantly blue bird in my neighborhood. It’s not easy to spot. It shows up in the park on certain mornings. Coincidentally, it always shows up on the days when my spirit needs a little lift, and seeing it lights up my day because it is just so beautiful! It reminds me that nature is wonderful and there is so much beauty, so much magic all around. Then out of nowhere, a second blue bird showed up two weeks ago and I saw the pair every single morning and evening. My days were filled with magic. I felt surrounded by boundless love.

But for the last two days, both birds are missing. I haven’t seen even one of them. I hope the magic returns soon.

Madness

You call it madness but I call it love.” – Nat King Cole

The Friend-zoned: “I think we should date.

The Grieving: “I’m in a relationship.

The Friend-zoned: “Oh! Have I met him?

The Grieving: “No, he doesn’t stay here.”

The Friend-zoned: “Long distance relationships don’t usually work. Give me a chance.

The Grieving: “But there’s this thing called ‘loyalty’ that I take a little too seriously (laughs). I must see this one through.

The Friend-zoned: “Well, I’ll be here.”

The Grieving: laughs and puts on her sunglasses… to hide the tears that are trying to escape from the corner of her eyes. There is no relationship; the loyalty is not to a person but to his memories. The world cannot understand so she lies. Time will fix everything but now is not that time.

Another Tuesday in the books, another week come and gone. Tuesdays are the new Mondays for me because they bring on the blues. It was a Tuesday when I saw someone for the last time. Now every Tuesday I wake up with a number in my head – the number of weeks since that fateful day. Someday it’ll change. Someday I’ll lose track of the count. There are 52 weeks in a year, and who knows how many years of my life ahead of me. I doubt I can keep track of the weeks. Weeks will turn into months, months into years. And ultimately it would just be an entire lifetime.

And it’s pointless to keep count anyway. It’s not that after so many weeks or months or years the wait will be over – it’s not a countdown. The weight of all the “never”s will not change. Never see, never touch, never feel, never kiss, never hold… regardless of the count, all of it will remain “never”. 

Grieving is not a linear process. You don’t always start with denial. You don’t always end up at acceptance and stay there. You keep going back and forth. I have reached acceptance but on certain days I have to work hard to hold on to it. It’s not that I get reminded of something. I don’t need reminders, he is always front and center in mind. His toothbrush, his razor, the change he emptied from his pockets – everything is where he left them. These things are not reminders, they make me smile. But on certain days I just want to tell him something and watch him laugh. That is when the weight of all those “never”s comes crashing down on me and I must muster all my strength to hold on to the acceptance with my dear life.

This is not intended to be a sad post. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I have always said that I am too vain to ever expose my weaknesses – they aren’t flattering. So this is not me crying and asking for sympathy. This is not some sort of outburst of emotion. This is not an act of impulse. This is just a reflection, an objective look at the process of coping with a loss. I acknowledge all feelings and emotions the same way. This is an acknowledgement that I do have moments of weakness. I also handle all feelings and emotions the same way. So I let myself feel weak just as I let myself feel happy; and if I’m not always happy, I’m not always weak either. Acceptance, in a way, is only a matter of finding the balance between the two. The day there is no weakness left is the day you have finally moved on.

From 30 and Learning Vlog

After a really long break, I’m finally getting back at it!!

From 30 and Learning Vlog

From 30 and Learning Vlog

My experiment with a healthy alternative for the holidays, and a three-week round up on carb cycling and what fat loss looks like!

 

From 30 and Learning Vlog

From 30 and Learning Vlog

The first steps down a new road…

It has been over a year since I turned 30 and since I started writing my blog. In this year, true to the title, I have learned volumes; about myself, about the world around me, and about my place in it. I was distraught at the thought of losing control over my life and to watch myself getting steered into a direction that was as far from my intended path as could be.

But as I embark on this leg of my journey, I am a new person. I have learned to stop offering resistance to life and let it take me wherever it wants to. So far, although there has been much loss, I have still somehow gained more- everything lesser but better. I have also learned that in order to give up control one must have faith, not necessarily in a higher being, but in oneself. Faith that tells you that no matter what tomorrow brings, you have the strength to embrace it and make the most of it. And faith that pushes you to be a better version of yourself each day than the day before.

In its new avatar, this blog is all about strength- of mind, body and of character. My transformation started when I discovered the power of meditation. Strength comes from inside, and a strong mind is the foundation for everything else. With a strong mind, I want to transform my exterior, to see what is the best I can be if I apply myself to it. And lastly, to have a strong character; to never compromise on or feel ashamed for what I believe in. No doubts exist in a strong mind.

To those who have supported me all this while I offer my most sincere gratitude and hope to have them by my side yet again. And to those who are now going to join me on this journey of self discovery and transformation, I say, “Welcome!“.

Love,

Pat

Link to my original site: https://30andlearningblog.wordpress.com/

 

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